Crème de’ le’ Crap: Melvin Blevins

Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you’ll see nobody cares
Cuz you don’t wanna be around
When it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
–Fort Minor, Slip Out The Back

“Here ye, Here ye! Come one come all! Gather ‘round and behold a site so gruesome… so hideous… so mind boggling that it will truly leave you speechless! Not recommended for the feint of heart my little chickadees. Gather ‘round as we unveil this… the recipient of… the next… Crème de’ le’ Crap award!” </carnie talk>

Everyday it seems that we are bombarded by people who are, at best, simply stupid. But every once in a while we look out over that sea of people doddering through their day oblivious to their surroundings and blindly going through the motions, there stands one individual who longs to set himself apart from the crowd, unfortunately it is rarely though the means of doing anything productive. More often than not it usually consists of someone doing something so stupid that you just have to stand back and say to yourself: “What the fuck?”, “Were both of your parents mentally challenged?”, and “How did they manage to give birth to a child that was the total embodiment of their mental afflictions?”

As a person who comes from a background that can only be classified as a “misspent youth”, I know there are just certain things that are just typically not done, a certain “honor among thieves” that even the most deplorable criminal networks adhere to. Even among convicted rapist and murderers in the prison system, child molesters and people who harm children are typically shunned and tend to be the victims of attack by the other prisoners. One thing that holds true, no matter what situation you find yourself in is that you don’t harm children.

Children to me represent everything that is pure; when I look at a child I am envious of their uncorrupted view of the world. Their optimism and innocence, to me, represent a hope that we as a people can change and evolve into something greater than what we are. So it should come as no surprise that when a person does something that may cause irreparable damage to a child, it gets under my skin to say the least.

Some of you may or may not have heard about these two young adults in Pataskala Ohio, but to sum it up for you; they forced a two year old toddler to get high by physically restraining her and holding a hash pipe full of marijuana to her mouth while video taping it for god only knows what reason… deplorable.

The irony in this is that they would have never gotten caught if were not for their own stupidity. I know that just doing those things constitutes a certain level of stupidity, but the level that they were able to achieve far surpasses the level that they were already comfortably living at. Rather than removing the tape from the camcorder and putting it someplace safe where it would never be discovered, at some point they decided to take the video camera to a pawn shop and sell it… with the tape still in it!

Needless to say, the pawn shop owner quickly notified authorities, and they were apprehended for “child endangerment” and “corrupting another with drugs”. I cannot for the life of me think of a punishment fitting for these two, but I’m sure the inmates at whatever correctional facility they end up in will make them regret their mistake on almost a daily basis. I can only hope that the guards are vindictive enough to place them in general population and not let them be kept in a protective unit. I have friends in the Ohio State Prison System, and I’m sure that they are positively frothing at the mouth to great these two and welcome them with dicks held hard.

So it is with great distain that I present you, Melvin Blevins and Unnamed 16 Year Old Female, with the “Crème de’ le’ Crap Award” from us here at The Restricted. You are truly deserving of this highly prestigious dishonor because only stupid people get children high and only the stupidest of them all will video tape it and forget to take the evidence out of the camera before they pawn it; you are both truly creamy pieces of shit.

**To claim your award: use your commissary money to buy a box of Shredded Mini-Wheats, eat them, wait roughly 24 hours, and you prize should arrive in toilet bowl near you as soon as your cell mate decides to stop pushing your shit in.