Archive for the 'Crème de’ le’ Crap' Category

Crème de’ le’ Crap: Melvin Blevins

Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you’ll see nobody cares
Cuz you don’t wanna be around
When it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared

Fort Minor, Slip Out The Back

“Here ye, Here ye! Come one come all! Gather ‘round and behold a site so gruesome… so hideous… so mind boggling that it will truly leave you speechless! Not recommended for the feint of heart my little chickadees. Gather ‘round as we unveil this… the recipient of… the next… Crème de’ le’ Crap award!” </carnie talk>

Everyday it seems that we are bombarded by people who are, at best, simply stupid. But every once in a while we look out over that sea of people doddering through their day oblivious to their surroundings and blindly going through the motions, there stands one individual who longs to set himself apart from the crowd, unfortunately it is rarely though the means of doing anything productive. More often than not it usually consists of someone doing something so stupid that you just have to stand back and say to yourself: “What the fuck?”, “Were both of your parents mentally challenged?”, and “How did they manage to give birth to a child that was the total embodiment of their mental afflictions?”

As a person who comes from a background that can only be classified as a “misspent youth”, I know there are just certain things that are just typically not done, a certain “honor among thieves” that even the most deplorable criminal networks adhere to. Even among convicted rapist and murderers in the prison system, child molesters and people who harm children are typically shunned and tend to be the victims of attack by the other prisoners. One thing that holds true, no matter what situation you find yourself in is that you don’t harm children.

Children to me represent everything that is pure; when I look at a child I am envious of their uncorrupted view of the world. Their optimism and innocence, to me, represent a hope that we as a people can change and evolve into something greater than what we are. So it should come as no surprise that when a person does something that may cause irreparable damage to a child, it gets under my skin to say the least.

Some of you may or may not have heard about these two young adults in Pataskala Ohio, but to sum it up for you; they forced a two year old toddler to get high by physically restraining her and holding a hash pipe full of marijuana to her mouth while video taping it for god only knows what reason… deplorable.

The irony in this is that they would have never gotten caught if were not for their own stupidity. I know that just doing those things constitutes a certain level of stupidity, but the level that they were able to achieve far surpasses the level that they were already comfortably living at. Rather than removing the tape from the camcorder and putting it someplace safe where it would never be discovered, at some point they decided to take the video camera to a pawn shop and sell it… with the tape still in it!

Needless to say, the pawn shop owner quickly notified authorities, and they were apprehended for “child endangerment” and “corrupting another with drugs”. I cannot for the life of me think of a punishment fitting for these two, but I’m sure the inmates at whatever correctional facility they end up in will make them regret their mistake on almost a daily basis. I can only hope that the guards are vindictive enough to place them in general population and not let them be kept in a protective unit. I have friends in the Ohio State Prison System, and I’m sure that they are positively frothing at the mouth to great these two and welcome them with dicks held hard.

So it is with great distain that I present you, Melvin Blevins and Unnamed 16 Year Old Female, with the “Crème de’ le’ Crap Award” from us here at The Restricted. You are truly deserving of this highly prestigious dishonor because only stupid people get children high and only the stupidest of them all will video tape it and forget to take the evidence out of the camera before they pawn it; you are both truly creamy pieces of shit.

**To claim your award: use your commissary money to buy a box of Shredded Mini-Wheats, eat them, wait roughly 24 hours, and you prize should arrive in toilet bowl near you as soon as your cell mate decides to stop pushing your shit in.

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Crème de’ le’ Crap: Cristina Garcia

You’re sick of feeling numb
You’re not the only one
I’ll take you by the hand
And I’ll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn’t work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Three Days Grace, Pain

The heights to which people can sink will never cease to amaze me. In this day and age of technology, and humanitarianism; whenever I think that we as a people have finally evolved to a point that we can be proud of ourselves, something comes along to remind exactly how delightfully deplorable we are.

We are at a time in history where we literally have the world at our fingertips, with the advent of the web and with The Grid looking to grow to 200,000 servers within the next two years; we have the ability to share our collective wealth of knowledge in a way that our ancestors could never have dreamed of, but instead of using this semi-phenomenal, nearly cosmic power for the betterment of ourselves and mankind, we blindly wade through this sea of knowledge doing the most ignorant things we can think of in the search of a little bit of internet fame. This most recent incident in Florida involving those six girls who video taped the ½ hour beating of their ex-friend to post on You Tube, just serves as yet another example of of what we will do in the quest for our “15 minutes”. That’s right I said “another example”, or did we all forget about Anthony Anderson: the ex-soldier who when he found a crippled old lady collapsed in the street, decided that it would be a good idea to video tape himself urinating on her and screaming that “This is You Tube material right here”, rather than call for help… she died on the side of the road that day. This poor crippled little old lady who spent everyday of her life being ridiculed and struggling to get by, spent the last few seconds of her life guzzling some strange limey’s piss so that he could have a top viewed video on the interwebs.

I sincerely hope from the bottom of my heart that during his three year sentence (which by no means do I feel was enough) he is gang-raped by the most well endowed, elephant dicked, nymphomaniac, Mandingo Warriors in the UK prison system on a nearly hourly basis. As for these teens in Florida… Bull-Dykes for all of them, hoards of bull-dykes with hands so big that it’s like grabbing a bunch of bananas when you shake them.

I know that may sound harsh to some of you, but get over it people; they’re just words! That’s right, they are just words on the internet and that’s what these teens failed to understand. What’s even more disturbing about this is that one of the parents, Ms. Cristina Garcia, tried to justify her daughters actions by saying (about the victim in reference to the apparent trash talking on My Space) “I don’t see why she would do that if she didn’t have the nerve to back up what she was saying.”

In this situation she’s the one who truly deserves the hoards of big fingered dykes with an anal fetish, just for being a full grown adult and failing to comprehend that what it all boiled down to were just words on the internet. If I were to brutally assault everybody who ever offended me on the World Wide Web, I’d have to quite my job just to be able to dedicate a fraction of the time needed to pull a Tonya Harding and have them all “knee capped” and put out of commission.

And that is why I name you Ms. Cristina Garcia this months Crème de’ le’ Crap, or Cream of the Crap for you intellectually challenged people. Sure what Mr. Anderson did was morally reprehensible, but at least he was made to take responsibility for his actions, you however are letting your child take the fall for your ignorance and that is just enough to make me feel that you are deserving of this very prestigious award.

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